


The Not-Particularly-Secret Diary of Lt Théodule Gillenormand

by Akallabeth



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:48:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23114950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akallabeth/pseuds/Akallabeth
Summary: Les Misérables, per Théodule Gillenormand. Just a bit silly.
Comments: 31
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

August 29, 1828

V. bored in Melun. Not a single decent haberdasher in the town, and hardly any good promenades. Don't know why I bother getting up in the morning.

  
September 3, 1828

Good news! New orders, to Gaillon. No idea if the tailors are up to par, but stopping in Paris on way. Most excellent, will be able to stock up on vital supplies, ie, acceptable pomade, boot black, and superior mustache wax. 

  
September 4, 1828

Cannot transport sufficient quantities of wax on horseback. Dare not risk a repeat of Meaux. Have decided to send JB ahead with Jessamine and François, and take the dilligence. With a large (empty) trunk.

September 6, 1828

In Paris. Went to visit Great-Aunt G. New cologne water v successful. Got 10 louis. 

Aunt G has asked me to follow Cousin M on a romantic liason to one of the outlying towns. Tried to explain that that's not my sort of thing, accidentally may have agreed to help.

Am considering a new sword belt to better accentuate my coat. 

Still September 6, 1828

On late-night dilligence towards Andelys. Don't know why I'm doing this. Probably violates the sacred oath of brotherhood that binds all single men (the Broath, if you will): don't report duels, don't cheat at cards OR dominos, and don't follow your weird kid cousin on his love affairs.

Perhaps Cousin M will stay on after the transfer at Vernon. Have orders, can't follow him!

Naptime. Sitting up at night v bad for the complexion.

  
Unholy hour of the morning, September 7, 1828

No such luck. Also got off dilligence at Vernon. Have to follow him now. Kid has good taste in flowers, at least.

  
A more reasonable hour, September 7, 1828

Cousin M does not have a girl, instead carrying on clandestine affair with grave in the suburbs. Poor kid definitely reading too much modern literature.

  
September 8, 1828

I mean, there's something to be said for Chateaubriand, but Cousin M is half-way to going full Byron, and dying of consumption in a field of flowers or something. Should probably advise him: at least aim for a doomed love affair and tragic duel sort of thing. Duels have higher survival rates than wasting away from misery, offer a quicker death otherwise, and most importantly are Much Cooler than consumption.

Arrived in Gaillon. Need to recon tailoring & haberdashery & bootmaking establishments--too embarassed over Vernon incident to return to Paris just now.

  
August 29, 1829

Transferred to Paris. Just in time. Seamstesses of Gaillon have started trade union, refuse to make shirts to my specifications. Think laundresses heading same way re: proper collar ironing. No one understands me. Or the importance of a fine collar, delicately starched.

October 16, 1829

Aunt G--is she my aunt? Her father's my great-grand-uncle, but I don't know if families actually work that way--keeps inviting me over for tea. Hope she doesn't want to set me up with her friend's cousin's daughter. Again. Mamselle M not only didn't laugh at my story about Sgt Y and the horse in the barracks, but glared most severely when I asked her opinion on the Opera. Cannot ever marry her, but would be willing to get her a comission if she were less dour.

October 30, 1829

Figured out why Aunt G keeps inviting me--Cousin M had dramatic scene after Vernon, ran off into the ~~night~~ morning, not to be heard of again. Definitely bound for a garrett and consumption. Flirted with Nicolette and got whole story. Not the same Nicolette as last year. Wonder if Uncle(?) G advertises for domestics with specific names. 

November 1, 1829

Wish my name was Alfred. Alfred. Al-fred. Aaaalll-fre-ed.  
Much better than Théodule.

  
Jan 7, 1830

Training new recruits today. Some can tell their horses from the flagstones, but I'm not convinced all of them can.

January 9, 1830

Still on the recruits. Wonder if Mamselle M would accept a commission. Could use her withering glare with this lot.

January 15, 1830

Asked P about how we might go about changing military protocol to get an officer's commission for an unmarried woman. He scoffed at first, but has come around to my way of thinking. Probably because JP managed to set himself on fire. Again.

January 23, 1830

Called by Gen dB to explain the series of mysterious fires. Told him JP was still learning how to load pistols. Did not mention that these fires keep happening during tactical lectures and horse-care lessons.

January 24, 1830

Is JP possessed by a demon? Might explain the fires.

January 29, 1830

Called on Aunt G again. She is determined to make Uncle G like me, but he is a singular old fellow, and somehow doesn't.  
Considered asking Aunt G where to find a good exorcist, as she goes to church, etc., but decided she might not take it well.

February 2, 1830

Turns out everyone's least favorite private is not possessed by a demon, but by a habit for pipe-smoking, and amateurish attempts to disguise it--today, by hiding the still-lit pipe in his horses's hay. Barn still smells a bit from the ensuing fire, but recruits all gained valuable experience in catching and calming their mounts, and Jessamine helpfully trod on JP's pipe, breaking it in several places. Gave her a lump of sugar afterwards, for a job well-done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone on tumblr brought up the "Les Mis from Théodule's perspective" idea the other month, and it sort of stuck. The word "bro-oath" is from Extra History's series on the First Crusade. "Going Full Byron" is from AMarguerite's English Romanticism scale. Théodule wishing to be called Alfred is canon. As is Cosette's desire to throw something at him.
> 
> If you recognize the diary styling, you just might be a veteran of the early 00's LotR fandom.


	2. Chapter 2

[some pages missing]

November 7, 1831

Accidentally packed diary away with winter uniforms. Smells slightly of mothballs, but undamaged. More important, winter uniforms have no damage. Wonderful invention, though the odor could be improved upon.

November 20, 1831

Success! Combination of careful airing and cologne water #3 have removed moth-preventing odor. Celebration--wine and dominoes with the boys. 

December 28, 1831

Met Mamselle M at a card party. The lady is a sharp card player, but seemed unimpressed by my new hairstyle. Experimental pomade definitely a mistake: only 80% of room was staring in admiration.

January 1, 1832

New Year's call on Aunt G and Uncle. New Nicolette in the parlor. Nearly asked how Uncle G recruits them, but he hasn't spoken to me since last summer. Pulled aside by Aunt G for lots of questions about odd addresses in the Latin Quarter and Marais. Hope it's not more friends' cousins' daughters. Fear it is.

January 8, 1832 

Not being set up with more horrid nieces. Aunt G seems to be tracking Cousin M. Surprised to learn he has _not_ succumbed in a garret--good lad--but have accidentally volunteered to help. Again.

January 9, 1832

Hope no tombs this time.

January 15, 1832

Investigated last address Aunt G had, at 16 Rue de la Verriere. Does not appear to be house of ill repute _or_ opium den. Aunt G somewhat disappointed. No sign Cousin M actually lives there, but did see young man with impeccably knotted cravat. No time to take notes. Need investigate further.

February 4, 1832

Finally found time to follow up with M. Fabulous Cravat. About to ring bell when Cousin M appeared with handcart full of furniture. V awkward. Don't think he saw me, but missed chance to learn the True Art of cravat tying.

February 5, 1832

Cravats silly, useless garments. ~~Mine will never be as perfect as that one.~~

February 7, 1832

On the other hand, M _is_ my cousin (once removed?), could ask for introduction. Or forever eschew civilian dress. 

March 26, 1832

P reports cholera epidemic at the Hôtel Dieu. Not really my scene.

April 2, 1832

Cholera v gross, does not fit my aesthetic at all. Have advised the men to avoid unfashionably destitute areas of town, as miasmas smell bad, cramp style, & cause death.

April 14, 1832

Girl in Rue Plumet garden staring at me. Gawking, really. Even P noticed. He doesn't normally notice women at all, so I told him everyone stares at me. 

April 15, 1832

Apparently, P told the whole barracks about yesterday's chance remark. Am now apparently a heart-breaker? Privates all pestering about this during my morning toilette, distracting from vital mustache-grooming routine.

April 16, 1832

Girl definitely staring. Must be new brass polish. Is nice to have appreciative audience.

April 21, 1832

Saw girl again today. Put on a bit of a show for the privates, rattling spurs, etc. Girl chucked a book at my head. JP laughed, so I set him to cleaning all the tack.

May 20, 1832

Have _not_ been sulking for a month. ~~Still the prettiest.~~

May 24, 1832

VIsit Aunt G. Recounted edited tale of girl-in-the-garden (no projectiles). Perhaps too edited--Uncle G now making v awkward comments re: mistresses. Got 20 francs, but feel somewhat gross.

June 1, 1832

Gen L died. Good man, despite unfortunate bent for politics. V impressive calvary tactics at Rocheserviere.

June 5, 1832

Funeral for Gen L today. V sad. 

Also v difficult to iron crepe. Ceremonial armband not as crisp as could be. ~~Bet Perfect Cravat guy could manage it.~~

Later that evening

Breaking up riots all afternoon. Good exercise, but v repetitive. Told the lads to call it a night at 9pm, as need time to wash off powder residue, etc., and get good night's rest. Don't believe P about salubrious effects of night air--drafts v bad for the complexion, not to mention swollen eyes from late hours. 

June 6, 1832

Told P the Do Not Disturb sign on the barracks would work! Horses once again clean and neat, own hair restored to usual radiance.

June 7, 1832

Laundresses making good progress on best dress uniform. 

June 8, 1832

Frantic note from Aunt G. Cousin M may or may not be dead. Unclear. 

Never expected the kid to be such trend-follower, usually more creative than this.

June 24, 1832

Cousin M not dead as of yet. Cause of not-death apparently fighting at a barricade. Better style than consumption or cholera in a garret, but not quite as dashing as a duel. Too messy. Will do better to advise him next time.

July 16, 1832

V hot. Impossible to maintain artfully disarrayed curls in this weather, so decided to go swimming.

Sept 8, 1832

Cousin M out of danger, per note from Aunt G.

September 12, 1832

Correction: Cousin M not dying from wounds, still in grave danger of sulking to death. V pale and wan-looking. Attempts to cheer with favorite war stories and popular songs not successful.

Sept 29, 1832

Cousin M has girlfriend? Wonder if this one's an urn or riverbank or picturesque gothic ruins.

Oct 15, 1832

Uncle G teasing Cousin M, self about pretty girls and mistresses. Awkward.

Cousin M's girl dropped by. V awkward.

She's book-throwing garden girl. V v awkward.

Snuck out the back door, with assist from new (since January) maid, presumed also Nicolette.

Oct 22, 1832

Cousin M and book-thrower engaged? Would welcome her (and impressive overhand pitch) gladly into family as amusing new relative, but too busy trying not to draw her wrath or Uncle G's matrimonial humor.

November 17, 1832

Garden-girl/future cousin-in-law apparently v rich. Need to overcome awkwardness to use this to best potential: engage ally to dress Cousin M in a suit of clothes that doesn't scream 'melancholy poet on a budget'. Need colors other than black, better fitted trousers, and a nice walking stick to start.

February 16, 1833

Cousin M's wedding. Cleans up well, with my help, but civilian clothes lack that certain something (gold braid). 

February 17, 1833

OMG, just realized that odd knot Cousin M wore yesterday was negligent version of the Perfect Cravat I beheld once and never again. Resisted the urge to ride over and demand lessons immediately.

February 18, 1833

Rode to Aunt G's, got Cousin M to teach me fancy cravat knot. Assisted him with creasing the folds more becomingly in exchange. V satisfied with results, though Cousin M lacks appropriate enthusiasm. 

Life is now complete and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silly fic is silly. Edited to put chapter break in a more logical place and remove end note that was appearing on both chapters.
> 
> Cosette only wants to throw something at Theodule in 4.5.5, but does not canonically do so. "Still the prettiest" quoted from the VSDs.


End file.
